Black Gay Men‘s Blog looks at the way we react, when faced with blatant homophobia, in the midst of members of the black community. It is one thing to voice our opinions online, on blogs and social network sites, but how do we REALLY behave when homophobia stares us in the face. As black gay men, do we care if the homophobic abuse is directed at other black gay men? What about when we are faced with homophobia directed towards white gay men, by one of our own – do we react or say nothing? When faced with homophobia from members of the black community, is it more important for black gay men to appear to be straight/in cahoots, at the expense of our self-esteem, or should we stand up and say something? As they say on the New York City subway, if you see something, say something – does this apply to black gay men, when dealing with homophobic members of the black community?
What brought this all on was a trip on the G train(nyc subway) last Monday. I was heading to the Boerum Hill neighborhood of Brooklyn and I got on the G train at Bedford-Nostrand, minding my own business, as most New Yorkers do. I noticed a somewhat attractive brother and we did the black man acknowledgement, “I see you” nod thing. Before we even got to the next stop, I noticed he was getting increasingly agitated, his body language was all tense and weird and he was visibly shaking. I looked towards the direction he was facing and saw that he was staring at a gay couple – white. The brother became increasingly agitated and his body language became quite intimidating, to the extent that I decided to move a few seats over. At this point, he had ceased being attractive, in my eyes. I knew some madness was about to happen and I didn’t wish to be tarred with the same brush, because he kept looking at me, like I was supposed to join in the intimidation. He hadn’t said anything to the gay couple at this point, just grunting and staring, but let’s be honest, some of us(black men) know how to intimidate without saying a word. Especially, when it comes to white folks (yeah I said it, what?). Some of us have mastered the art of putting the fear of God in them, when it suits us. We know they often see us as aggressive and sometimes, we play on it. This was one of those times, so I moved, I wasn’t going to sit there and be part of the let’s make white gay men terrified brigade.
The homophobe continued his almost silent reign of terror for a few minutes(still looking back and forth at me) and then……..(dramatic pause) the ignorance was really unleashed! “Y’all can be whatever y’alls wanna be and I don’t give a damn what y’all do when you in your bedroom, but I don’t need to see this shit on the train! Y’all can keep that shit to yourself, that’s just wrong, that’s nasty! Ain’t nobody need to see that in public, keep that shit to yourself! ” Then he looked at me, obviously for support, because I guess I don’t “look gay” and how dare these white gays sit so close to one another? They weren’t even kissing, they were just leaning close to one another and one of them might have touched his man’s shoulder. That was the extent of their filthy, nasty, homosexual crime. Personally, I’m not into too much PDA, but New Yorkers are known to not even look up from their newspapers, mags and books on the train. There could be a naked person on the train and New Yorkers would act like it was just an everyday occurrence, the most you might get would be an “only in New York”. That’s what made his outburst so shocking. It was so shocking that said New Yorkers actually looked up in horror. Mr homophobe, once again looked at me for support – there were only 3 black men and in our car, at the time, and I was the closest “ally” to him.
I’m not really sure what came over me, I think it was a combination of disgust, the heat and the look of helplessness of the faces of the white gay couple, but it was time for ME to have my say. He obviously wanted me to say something, but he wasn’t prepared for what I had to say. I asked what the guys had done to him and what gave him the right to tell them how to behave on a train in NYC? To which, stunned, he replied that it was because there were kids on the train and they shouldn’t be exposed to “such things”. I told him he was a liar, because he had been obviously agitated from the start and I pointed out to him that if the kids parents had thought it was a problem, they would have moved to another car. I also pointed out that we had all seen worse on the subway in NYC between heterosexual couples and it’s never an issue, the guys weren’t even kissing I said and I’ve seen a chick blow a dude on the train(they really should have gotten a room), so what’s the big deal? His pathetic response was that they “looked like they were about to kiss”. I went into it: “so what, I’m tired of the fact that when I do encounter homophobia in NYC, 9 times out of ten it is coming from black people, we have enough problems to deal with, people are hungry and dying, our kids have no fathers(none worth speaking of anyway), AIDS is killing us, excessive weed smoking is holding many of us back, are u current on your child support? come talk to me, when you, your friends, your cousins and your next door neighbor are all current on your child support from numerous baby mommas, then maybe I’ll understand why two men who looked like they were going to kiss is any of your damn business! Do you think it is more traumatic for boys to see two men showing affection, than it is for them to have absent fathers, who can’t even buy diapers, let alone be there for their birthdays? “
As I said, I’m not sure what came over me, but the entire car turned into one big debate. The only other black man was(shock horror) on the side of the homophobic brother, but I had one of my don’t mess with me looks in my eyes, so although he moved to sit beside me to get his point across he soon shut up. A plus-size very butch looking sister(looked like a closet lesbian if you ask me, so she might have been battling her own demons), joined in, she thought it was nasty too. Another black female joined in. A white female became the most vocal, apart from me, she was firmly on my side. A more mature white gentleman thanked me for speaking up. One half of the gay couple found his voice and began defending their right to show affection. I almost missed my stop and if I didn’t have to run back in for a business call, I would have stayed on that train until the last stop, but I had to get off, leaving the black folks with a few choice words about what we really ought to be worried about.
I walked off the train and I have been thinking about that incident all week. I didn’t speak up because I wanted to be seen as some kind of hero or any of that BS. In fact, at the time, I didn’t really think about, I just knew that I had to say something. Upon reflection, I felt that maybe the Universe had done it to test me – practice what you preach and all that. I mean, here I am, spouting all this stuff on Black Gay Men’s Blog, so why not test me? If that was the case, I hope I passed the test, but I couldn’t help wondering how most of us would have reacted in similar situations. I’m not suggesting everyone cause a mini-riot on the G train, you have to know when it is safe to speak out, but after my heart stopped beating, I have to say I felt really good. I was the only black person in that car without homophobic views, which is sad in 2011(even though the car was mainly white) and I noticed the looks the black people, especially the two other men were giving me, like you traitor, you should be on our side, you don’t even look gay, so what the hell is wrong with you? Had there been more black people in that car, especially young black women, I’m sure more would have been on the side of right. I wondered if my crime was that I had spoken out in support of gays, or that I had spoken out in support of white gays. Would Mr Homophobe have been so homophobic if it had been 2 black gay men? Was I expected to turn a blind eye because they were white? Should my blackness and solidarity have come before what is right?
When I got home, I almost rushed to write this all down and publish a heated rant on the blog. However, I decided to wait a few days and grab some opinions from fellow black gay men. I wanted to know what they would have done in a similar situation and what they thought about the incident. I focused on New Yorkers, because I thought they would understand the added layer of being a New Yorker on the train and how, generally, no matter how outrageous the behavior, New Yorkers tend to say nothing. The reviews where quite mixed, while most applauded me for taking a stance, the general consensus was that they probably wouldn’t have said anything, because it was a white gay couple and the homophobes were black. Some didn’t want to be seen as sell-outs, but said they might have said something like “chill bruh”. Others felt we really should only be looking out for each other and they would have spoken up if black gay men were being attacked/persecuted. Then there were the few who simply said they would never speak out about homophobia, int he presence of black people, because then they would be considered gay. Two black gay men thought it was dumb of me, because the black man could have taken out his anger on me and shot me. I just want to say that at no time did I feel I was in any real danger, if I did I would have been off that train. I was quite sure that the guy beside was too chicken and I could have taken Mr Homophobe down(not advocating violence, I’m just saying, if I had to protect myself and there were no weapons involved)
These days, I try to live my life by doing what works best for me and my physical, spiritual and emotional well-being. By that, I mean I look at the deeper implications of my actions. How would I have felt, if I had said nothing? Would I have held that anger in and exploded at the wrong person or maybe drank some wine, instead of working that night, as was the plan? I am greatly affected by injustice, so I do have to think about these things. A lot of the time, we go through life not realizing the impact not speaking out can have on our psyche. Why do we care so much what black people we’ll probably never see again think about us? A few years ago, I might have said nothing, depending on the circumstances(if I thought they weren’t in any real danger), but I would definitely have held it in and been deeply affected by it. I have learned to deal with things and then let them go. As black gay men(and gay men in general), when we don’t stand up for what we believe in, it affects our psyche, especially as we get older. We should encourage one another to find the strength to speak out, to find the strength to break free from the fear of being seen as “not a real man” by the black community. Many of us have convinced ourselves that it is okay to go through life with a “as long as it ain’t me” attitude, but whether we like it or not, these things affect us. Next time you are about to binge, whether it be on food, liquor, weed or other chemicals, try and pinpoint exactly what brought it on. Or next time you encounter homophobia and say nothing, pay attention to your behavior over the next week or two. You might notice something, however subtle.
So, my fellow black gay men, New Yorkers and otherwise, I want to know what you think you would have done in a similar situation. I understand not wanting to “out yourself” and don’t advocate putting yourself in physical danger, so that’s not where I’m coming from. Let’s not forget that one doesn’t even have to be part of the oppressed group to fight for what is right. There were white people in the civil rights movement, neither Princess Diana, nor Dame Elizabeth Taylor were HIV positive, yet they both fought to end the stigma and find a cure, Sheryl Lee Ralph is a HIV negative heterosexual woman, yet she tirelessly raises awareness about HIV and is against homophobia – and countless others. Should black gay men only be concerned when homophobia is directed at one of us? When faced with the decision to either confront homophobia or be seen as a “real black man”, which do we choose? Why are black gay men so concerned that speaking out against homophobia would label them as gay, thereby outing them to the entire black community(which, in reality, is usually just one or two people)? In a city, like New York, where having so-called liberal views is no indication of one’s sexuality(the white people who spoke out on the train were not obviously gay and most seemed definitely straight, or at least what society would deem straight), what does not speaking out against homophobia say about black gay men?
